i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
