i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
