hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
