my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize