i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
