mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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