we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
