Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Randomize
