I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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