I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
