At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
