No stitches, just platelets and will power
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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