uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
id be glad to
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
