you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
