btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
