i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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