I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i just sent this text using only my big toe
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Randomize
