There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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