Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
