Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
