he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
