saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Welp...herpes.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
