My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
