I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
