it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
