Im at strip club and am horny
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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