She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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