Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
