Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
