I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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