I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
