direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
