Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
