I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
