I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
