Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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