I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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