I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
