there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
