I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
