Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
