I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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