Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So many bounce houses so little time
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
