the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
