Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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