My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
