I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
