it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
