I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
