I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
