I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
