Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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