Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I think your dad took our porno
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
