Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
