pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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