Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We are all done wearing pants today
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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