I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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