Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
