I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
